If you don’t know where you are going, any road will take you there.
Questioning reality can be exhausting. It’s hard not to question it, though, when you see signs of it everyday and yet can’t prove its existence.
I have this, well I call it a problem, but like most things, you can look at it differently and find it to be a gift. Only I haven’t yet figured out exactly how it’s helpful. Sometimes I detach from reality, a kind of depersonalization or derealization. I know who I am but I don’t feel like I’m me. I think it’s difficult to explain, but if you’ve ever passed out and had that feeling of floating outside of your body right before hand, it’s a bit like that. (Which is why I was very confused the first time I passed out, because the sensation at first wasn’t foreign to me.)
Why do I bring this up? Well it has to do with a recurrent theme in dreams I’ve had. I had them a lot this summer. I would go out to a parking lot, and I would be utterly unable to find my car. The dreams actually escalated from there. Suddenly my car was stolen and I was chasing down the person that did it. When it was stolen from me at gun point outside of a candy shop that was also a Claire’s, I realized it was getting out of control.
It’s all about knowing where you’re going in life, and this summer I had just graduated from college and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I moved and got a job and an apprenticeship and the dreams went away.
Until last night.
Last night I dreamed that I was looking for my car again, only I noticed a variation. I kept finding other cars that looked like my car, but they weren’t quite right.
If that’s not a metaphor for multipotentiality, well, I don’t know, this turn of phrase seemed useful until I started it.
Anyway, that’s kind of how I feel lately, and I wonder how many other multipotentialites feel like that, too. I feel like there are all these “cars” that could be mine, but they just aren’t, and I can’t find my own car.
It also doesn’t help that I feel a constant sense of unreality, like even my waking time is all just a dream. But then I am merely a tangled hierarchy consciousness stuck in Dabrowski’s unilevel disintegration.
I hesitate to share this post, as it is a bit personal and specific, but it’s things like that that have helped me, and maybe this will help someone else.
No good fish goes anywhere without a porpoise. ~Lewis Carroll